What You Are Looking For Is in the Library

“When Saya sends a text to tell me she has a new boyfriend, I instantly write back: What’s he like? But all she replies is: He’s a doctor. Nothing about looks or personality, or what kind of doctor he is—I mean, he could be any kind, couldn’t he? It’s true I know what she means by doctor. Jobs can be a clue to somebody’s character. A short-cut way of describing them. But only in a limited, stereotyped sort of way. That starts me thinking: what do people think about me based on my job? What does it say about my personality or qualities?”

Tomoka believes that the individual’s job is a reflection of her character. This is why she feels defeated by her work in Eden’s womenswear department: because it isn’t stimulating or rewarding. She fears that if people from home know what she does, they will make judgments about her character and think less of her. For this reason, she longs for new work; she longs to change herself.

“I had an image of Tokyo from the dramas I used to watch on the four limited TV stations that were available to us. Tokyo was the ultimate, the dream city that had everything. If I could only make it there, my life, too, would be as cool and fun as the lives of the actresses I saw on TV. At least that’s what I believed. It was also what drove me to study hard at high school, so I could get into junior college in Tokyo. Once I made it here, however, I realized what a fantasy world I’d been living in.”

Tomoka’s relationship with her surroundings contributes to her negative outlook on life. Tomoka is attached to Tokyo, but the city has failed to measure up to her expectations. Her depression and immobilization are therefore linked to both her job and her environment. This passage foreshadows Tomoka’s later revelation that changing her expectations can change her experience.

“While practicing as instructed, I overhear the conversation between Ms. Gonno and the other students. I get the impression they are regulars: the old guy is building a website about wildflowers, while the girl is setting up an online shop. I feel like such a waster. All the time I’ve been lazing around in my apartment doing nothing, not far away these two have been getting on with stuff—learning things! The more I think about it, the more pathetic it makes me feel.”

Tomoka’s computer class at the Hatori Community House connects her with a new network of people. At the same time, the class makes her realize how disengaged she’s been from her life, and in turn, inspires her to take different steps toward change. In juxtaposing her motivation with an old man’s, she emphasizes her own listlessness by comparing herself to someone who might stereotypically have less motivation as an older adult.